Sea Enigma's place

Well it's entering the 4th week of the semester at Curtin University and yet my mind still isn't in the right place. What is wrong with me ? Too much in my mind till it refuses to think and that isn't good :( especially not now. I really need to find the motivation to do my work and not fail this last chance to study and make something of myself. Sure it was good that my dad and sister visited me and asked me to sleep over with them at my cousin's house in Hillarys, but now I see it was a bad move. Made me lazier though it was good spending time with them. Either way, somehow I need to crawl out of this gutter and find a way to gain inspiration and motivation to not fail this time around. It's the only way I can ever get any closer in achieving my dream. That's all for now. Sea Enigma

At last, though there had been conflict after conflict at home, I am now starting my new course in Communication and Cultural Studies (creative writing).It may be just for one year but it makes all the difference. I'm away from my home in Malaysia and am back in a dorm in Bentley, Australia. True that I'm 'suffering' from the 1st time jitters, being away from my comfort zone in Kuala Lumpur and being in a whole new environment. It will pass nonetheless. I am glad to be out of the house, yet, there are so many whom I miss dearly. Made some new friends and yet I'm very lonely to the extent of tears. It has only been 2 weeks since I set foot in my new life as a student at Curtin University, Bentley, Australia. Things are very new and almost 'alien' to my senses. There are so many things that I want to do and so little time. I wish to further my participation in Martial Arts, improve in my performance skills and gain the confidence I never though possible,...

I've been doing some thinking especially since we started practising for the Zahari family gathering and my cousin 'Abang Ariff's' wedding. I like so many things and because of the indecisiveness and lack of planning (which I normally never do) my Dad thinks it's better that I stay in Malaysia another year. But thinking about it now, if I wait another year, I'll get even lazier and less motivated. I don't want that to happen. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I really need to get out of this house and go to Australia next year, despite my parents' worries. I personally can't take this life here, living at home doing nothing , being under-motivated and less active. It's screwing me up. Mum's probably right, I need to get out into the World, no matter how harsh it is. I really like these activities: - Performing (Singing, Dancing, Martial Arts...etc..) - Reading and Writing - Sports (Swimming, Martial Arts, Scuba Diving, Badminton...e...

It certainly has been some time since I've posted here. Too long in fact. My senses are certainly numb and blur, especially when I'm trying to fight for what I want. But now given the chance to take it, why does it somehow feel wrong? It's like it may not really be the thing I really want. That scares me to tears T_T I honestly have no clue on how to react on what my parents want me to do. True that the entertainment business isn't really that big in Malaysia now and that the competition is high, but as terrified as I am, it's what I want to do. Either that, I'm just trying to live a fantasy which may not even come true (or will just not be something I would see through or it's something I won't expect) . Now I'm finding myself wondering why exactly do I want to be a performer. Is it because it allows me to much more than I am (even if my face lacks expression, I tend to blur out and get stiff with nervousness)? I do admit I enjoy performing, and ...

Tomorrow is another big day for my cousin Azwann. It's his wedding reception and I'm sure he and the bride will be nervous. SO am I actually, being one of the wedding singers, next to my 2 other cousins Johanna and Jasmine, and my 2 adorable nieces Suraya and Shakira. I really need to practice and study for my IELTS but I came down with a gastric problem and no it's not helping with my anxiety and my appetite. Looks like no dinner for me as I doubt I can take another bite especially with this very annoying pain in my tummy!! Nonetheless, I really need to practice and I wanna put on a good show for the bride and groom and the rest of my family. Above all else I want to give it my all and develop my self-esteem. Hopefully I can study too. I really need to get through the IELTS exam. May have to take a day off though. Well, that's all for now. Thanks for dropping by. Sea Enigma

Well today was just like any other. I went to work at the Q-dees Kindergarden, arrived home at about 2pm and took a 3 hour nap. By the time I woke up, I was alone at home (well not completely alone as my sister Lara was in her room. For a while I sat pondering on what I should do though I did have to study for my up-coming IELTS exam and prepare the song for Abang Azwann's wedding. Plus I have not really exercised in a while and not been in the pool for a couple of weeks due to flu. Neither have I been to the gym as my new mp3 player had been misplaced and deemed lost. After pondering I had decided to go for a swim. As usual, I had the pool all to myself, though occasionally some of the neighbours would be there or the kids or at the gym. But I was fortunate as I swim better when alone. Generally in the pool I would just go for half an hour to an hour non-stop regardless on how many laps I had done. But today I decided to count my laps and though the most I had done previously...

It is true, I may have been unfair to my parents, especially my dad who has been supporting all my wishes since I was small. Yet, why do I still feel 'HATE' towards my parents, especially my mother. Though she thinks I have no idea how harsh, difficult and unfair the performance and entertainment business is, but I do (having been rejected from 'Malaysian Idol' twice and facing better singers in the Young KL Singers and getting lower marks in the Singing Shop Vocal Exam compared to my sister). I may not be as good as most of the local artists, or have the best voice like the local singers, but that is no reason to not let me try. Again of course I may be harsh and may not 'UNDERSTAND' my mother and her past, but I feel that I know enough and I disagree totally of her methods and of HER as a person. It is also true that I will be 24 this December and should be working as well as living out of the house, yet circumstances deem otherwise at this moment. Yet I a...

(my 2 latest drawings *points up*) Well... the Fasting month of Ramadan is coming to a close tomorrow (aka today as it's already 12am). I'd say finally as it has been very tiring and nerve-wrecking at best this year. There were definitely many factors involved and none were helping as every day I was so tired, so tired to the point of crying. Not to say though that none of my other family members weren't tired either.It's practically normal to be honest. I'm honestly glad it's over, though of course God's many trials will still be there nonetheless. This year, like all years, traditionally there will be an open house conducted at both my grandmothers' homes where all of us family members will get together. Though over the years, as we've all gotten older and some of my ever-doting cousins have families of their own, while some have moved on and live elsewhere, I daresay, for the passed 8 years, Raya seems lonely. But that is to be expecte...

Well... I have to say... I really should spend some time a day posting in my blog. Though I guess I never really had much to share these passed few months. But here goes my train of thought again... more like the usual ranting. As the title says, it has indeed been a pretty hectic month. Reasons being...: 1. I finally graduated from Multimedia University, Cyberjaya, Malaysia on the 1st of August 2010. 2. My part time job at Q-dees pre-school has gotten more hectic... 3. Training wing chun is a great work out, but like all things, it's kinda taking its toll on my body (as my daily routine starts at minimum 5:30am in the morning) 4. Joining back my an old singing group called 'The Young KL Singers' as I've been aspiring to do for the passed 4 years. 5. Dance lessons for the kids at Q-dees have commenced as their concert will be coming up soon in October. 6. I had finally revealed who my online boyfriend was on Facebook 7. I had made a decision that I really wa...