What I did was wrong, I still believe that my dreams should not be cast away
It is true,
I may have been unfair to my parents, especially my dad who has been supporting all my wishes since I was small. Yet, why do I still feel 'HATE' towards my parents, especially my mother. Though she thinks I have no idea how harsh, difficult and unfair the performance and entertainment business is, but I do (having been rejected from 'Malaysian Idol' twice and facing better singers in the Young KL Singers and getting lower marks in the Singing Shop Vocal Exam compared to my sister).
I may not be as good as most of the local artists, or have the best voice like the local singers, but that is no reason to not let me try. Again of course I may be harsh and may not 'UNDERSTAND' my mother and her past, but I feel that I know enough and I disagree totally of her methods and of HER as a person.
It is also true that I will be 24 this December and should be working as well as living out of the house, yet circumstances deem otherwise at this moment. Yet I am a very sensitive person too and may not be as strong as others as they want me to be and I do understand that my parents want the best for me, despite our disagreement in which I feel is better.
Plus, though I only had Leukaemia, I have heard that those who have had cancer could not be stressed out too much as we could not take it and risk re-activating the cancer cells again. But that's only what I've heard and it technically out of the topic at hand.
I honestly have no idea what to do, especially with mum being so forceful and telling me that I have been 'bitching' about her and my dad to my aunties and whoever I have talked to. Well I can't help it, though she says I can but choose not to, but she doesn't care and says she loves me (which I can never seem to believe any more).
I do know that they are trying hard to support me and my brother and sister and have spent thousands on me for treatment and education. Yet why am I not satisfied? Is it because I always got what I wanted? Is it because I was never good enough in their eyes? What exactly am I capable of? What do they want of me? What am I afraid of till I can't tell them everything (though one answer to that is that they say all my methods are impractical and unrealistic- well can't help that as my logic is very different though to them I have none at all)?
To be honest I just want to SCREAM, CRY and someone to kill me now as I can't take all of this. It may not be as bad but my mind is blank and I can't tell right from wrong and have been rebelling more and more ever since after my time in Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar, which was a good 6 years ago.
I don't want to do this anymore, I want things to go back to the way it used to be when things were easier, though that may not be.
What exactly do I want out of life? To sing, act, dance, do martial arts, scuba dive and write? That I do, yet now, when I have a chance to take it, I feel like something isn't right or feels odd?
I really do wanna sing, dance, act, do martial arts and write, yet what is stopping me? Laziness? Hearing my mum's voice in my head saying I can't do it and I don't have what it takes? It won't make much money in the future and I can't survive? Then what SHOULD I do?
I would never take up an office job, no never. I can't stand sitting on my butt all day. What can I do?
So many questions in my head yet to be answered. I should probably get more sleep and just concentrate at my job at Q-dees kindergarden, studying for my up-coming IELTS exam and prepare for both Abang Azwann's wedding performance this Sunday and the YKLS (Young KL Singers) performance next month.
That's all for now,
Sea-chan
I may have been unfair to my parents, especially my dad who has been supporting all my wishes since I was small. Yet, why do I still feel 'HATE' towards my parents, especially my mother. Though she thinks I have no idea how harsh, difficult and unfair the performance and entertainment business is, but I do (having been rejected from 'Malaysian Idol' twice and facing better singers in the Young KL Singers and getting lower marks in the Singing Shop Vocal Exam compared to my sister).
I may not be as good as most of the local artists, or have the best voice like the local singers, but that is no reason to not let me try. Again of course I may be harsh and may not 'UNDERSTAND' my mother and her past, but I feel that I know enough and I disagree totally of her methods and of HER as a person.
It is also true that I will be 24 this December and should be working as well as living out of the house, yet circumstances deem otherwise at this moment. Yet I am a very sensitive person too and may not be as strong as others as they want me to be and I do understand that my parents want the best for me, despite our disagreement in which I feel is better.
Plus, though I only had Leukaemia, I have heard that those who have had cancer could not be stressed out too much as we could not take it and risk re-activating the cancer cells again. But that's only what I've heard and it technically out of the topic at hand.
I honestly have no idea what to do, especially with mum being so forceful and telling me that I have been 'bitching' about her and my dad to my aunties and whoever I have talked to. Well I can't help it, though she says I can but choose not to, but she doesn't care and says she loves me (which I can never seem to believe any more).
I do know that they are trying hard to support me and my brother and sister and have spent thousands on me for treatment and education. Yet why am I not satisfied? Is it because I always got what I wanted? Is it because I was never good enough in their eyes? What exactly am I capable of? What do they want of me? What am I afraid of till I can't tell them everything (though one answer to that is that they say all my methods are impractical and unrealistic- well can't help that as my logic is very different though to them I have none at all)?
To be honest I just want to SCREAM, CRY and someone to kill me now as I can't take all of this. It may not be as bad but my mind is blank and I can't tell right from wrong and have been rebelling more and more ever since after my time in Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar, which was a good 6 years ago.
I don't want to do this anymore, I want things to go back to the way it used to be when things were easier, though that may not be.
What exactly do I want out of life? To sing, act, dance, do martial arts, scuba dive and write? That I do, yet now, when I have a chance to take it, I feel like something isn't right or feels odd?
I really do wanna sing, dance, act, do martial arts and write, yet what is stopping me? Laziness? Hearing my mum's voice in my head saying I can't do it and I don't have what it takes? It won't make much money in the future and I can't survive? Then what SHOULD I do?
I would never take up an office job, no never. I can't stand sitting on my butt all day. What can I do?
So many questions in my head yet to be answered. I should probably get more sleep and just concentrate at my job at Q-dees kindergarden, studying for my up-coming IELTS exam and prepare for both Abang Azwann's wedding performance this Sunday and the YKLS (Young KL Singers) performance next month.
That's all for now,
Sea-chan
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