Hopeful Last Semester and events up to date

Well...
Not to bad,
It's only been about 2 months since my last post.

Needed rejuvenation, relaxation and probably just time off from studying, even if it meant lazing about at home. True I didn't even do much to settle the ideas for my course, but really couldn't do much staying at home where everyone is gloomy, tense and at different brain-wave sync.

Already 2 months plus since we moved into the new house and the old house still needs to be cleared out. It's stressful, and makes me wonder why we moved, though the old house was in a slight dis-repair after we've lived there for nearly 18+ years.

3 months since my break up, though I still miss him, I'm slowly moving on. But the set back would be, my brain feels dead, though I manja with or manjakan my guy friends and the new ones I make, I seem to not react to them as easily as before. As in, normally I fall for guys very easily, lately, it's quite the opposite. Either I'm just picky or still trying pick myself up from the previous one.

Some friends have helped and I thank them for that.

Though the saddest thing would be my grandfather's recent passing. Sure he's in a better place right now and paying time in the alam kubur, but I still miss him. I may not have been as close to him as some of my other family members, but being the most manja in my age group, the pain is worse as I admit I am very clingy.

Now is the starting of the 2nd trimester and it's already the 2nd week. Still my motivation is on the down low and my attitude and personality need patching up. Can't afford to fail again, not this time, as my ambitions are at stake.

I've joined back the Wushu and Emina Japanese Animation club at MMU Cyber. In fact, just got back today from Melaka as we had a Halloween Night trip to A'Famosa's Halloween Party night.

Though it was a tiring time and some of us were un-well for a while during the trip... Overall it was fun and made a few new friends, especially an MMU Melaka junior who's Emina and Anime nickname was 'Hunter', he was a mere 'kitten' with me and was only 18. And though my mind was not set on getting a new guy at the time... This boy had all the qualities (well most of them actually) I looked for in a guy.

He had a Chinese look,was adorable, easy to talk to, manja, pretty good looking, fit and nice to hug. Though I think that, he was already taken. Even so, even having him as an 'adik angkat' is good enough for me as he doesn't have any siblings, just like my 'abang angkat' Eugene.

I guess that's all for now as I need to sleep.
Got class at 9am in the morning and need to chase the lecturers and faculty staff members as for some odd reason, the system won't allow me to register for my subjects. Now I need to apply for the course manually.

Okie...
Oyasumi / Wan an and Good night

Why? What should I do? Stop trying? Why should I?

It's been half a year since I posted here.
Too many things happening,
Friend's convocation, me failing my Final Year Project, not doing well in Wushu,Singing and pretty much everything.

Other than that, I'm single again and missing him though it was for the best for both of us and our families.

I'm crying again, mostly from confusion, despair and uncertainty.

All I ever wanted was to be a singer, a performer and someone that is loved because I make them happy. But now, I can't seem to do that. I can't even make myself happy.

I'm lost once more, like always.

I love to sing, but many say I'm not good enough and am too emotional. Always being
compared to my younger sister because she's more mature, more beautiful and can do most of the things I wanna do better. Especially singing.

They tell me to accept it and to stop trying. Why?
Just because it's more practical and the most grown-up thing to do?

No way!!!!

They tell me to grow up to stand on my 2 feet, they think I can't do it as I refuse to 'grow-up'.

I'm tired of hearing that and no one understands.
What do u want me to do? Act like an old hag before my time, just like my little sister? NO FRIGGING WAY!!!!!!!!!!

I understand the importance of all this but they don't trust me.

What do I do? What can I do to make this all better?
Wish, dream? Believe in myself? Visualize?

I've watched the movie 'The Secret'. No, not the Chinese movie, but the movie adaptation of the book 'The Secret'.

I want to feel good, I want to think positive, but the environment around me is making me feel otherwise, same goes with the people around me.

Do I not give enough? Do I give too much?

All I can do now is cry my eyes out in sadness, pain, confusion and uncertainty.
What else can I do?

I used to have a nice singing voice, but now, I can't bear to hear myself and be compared to my sister over and over again.

I used to write fan fictions every day and that made my readers smiling every time I read their reviews. Now I can't seem to pen a single story without elaborating them till they make no sense even to me.

I used to paint at least once a week and was good at it even though the poses were copied from other Manga, photos, images or Anime and cartoons. Now I hardly draw let alone paint.

I do absolutely nothing but play games, look at facebook, make a fool of myself, get scolded by my family and friends just because I'm too emotional and fail at everything.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?????!!!!!!!!!!

I guess that's all for now.
Thank you to all that drop by and sorry if it's all negative emotional stuff again.

Best Regards,
Sea-chan.

Busy Busy Busy, Happy, But why am I crying?

Well, it has been a long time since I posted anything here.
A very busy semester this has been and tiring at that.

With all the reports and proposals, the Wushu performances, HYJ Wushu Academy International Competition, Dinner & Gathering 2008, Comic Fiesta 2008 and not even time to spend time with my whole family properly without suddenly rushing off.

Also, a few nights ago, a nightmare lingering in my thoughts and has been haunting me for nearly a whole week. Though my mind has tried to soothe it, but for some odd reason my heart is not at peace. It is either a sign of paranoia of my current relationship with my boyfriend, a sign I should trust him more, my whole form is changing or a fact that I'm afraid of change.

Is this all part of growing up? Am I just thinking too much, being too manja or too clingy till I'm afraid of loosing Kian? Whoo boy, this is really getting complicated.

I'll really have to keep myself together if I want to survive after I graduate next year. Also, I'll need to figure out what I really want instead of just sitting here and crying all the time. Next to that, I may need to start praying more often as I haven't been doing so since before the month of Ramadan this year.

Yosh,
Gambatteh and Jia yo and thank you for all who stop by here.
Ja ne and Arigato Gozaimasu :)

Back in Cyberjaya and readjusting to the environment

Undeniably, it's good to be back in Cyberjaya though moving back to hostel and on the 4th floor at that will take a while to get used to.

Now I see how unfit I really am and will need to back in shape quickly or Master Woo will be making me run more than 10 laps during Wushu. Not only that,there's supposed to be another wushu exam this semester that I only knew about only late last semester.

Going to class was ok today, but I'm not sure how I'm going to survive tomorrow. But no pain no gain. I'm just glad to be back in familiar and yet unfamiliar surroundings again as well as being near my boyfriend.

This is a very busy semester and I hope I'll be able to juggle my proposals, research, project planning and clubs/societies. A very tiring day and still more to come.

But for now, I'll just go with the flow and will try to get as much rest as i can.

That's all for today,
have to wake up early to go for a morning walk with Melissa Ann.

Ja ne and Oyasuminasai

My authentic japanese name is 藤原 Fujiwara (wisteria fields) 美晴 Miharu (beautiful clear sky).
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My Japanese name is Arisa Arishima.
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My Goals and Dreams - What do I do?

Well, it's nearing my last 2 semesters of University life and I still haven't decided what I really want out of life. Do I wanna devote my self into performing arts full-time or give it up to do finish what I started with Digital Media?

I don't know. Not anymore.
But one thing does still stand, I still want to be a singer and martial artist.
I wish to train harder in Wushu and swimming. Though at the same time, I wish to juggle video making, acting, joining the Young KL Singers again and much more.

For some odd reason, my motivation is low and am definitely addicted to Perfect World online and just lazing about.
All my inspiration blocked and am not sure how to unblock it.

Fear of being laughed at, left alone and disrespected.
Indecisiveness and not being able to fend for myself.
Looks like I spent too long a time at home and it's driving me crazy.

Why am I always crying?
At loss at what I want to do and what I can do.
Thinking too much and sensitive to what others say and do.

Too many household problems that I don't even know where to start and some I don't
think I should reveal, online like this.

I guess the only things I can do at the moment are :
- Practice Wushu harder
- Read more
- Analyse my characters in Perfect World to apply in the D&D sessions
- Write
- Try to draw and make more videos
- Talk to my boyfriend about this

I guess that's all,
To those who stop by and read, thanx for reading

Oyasum-nasai
Good Night
Selamat Malam

Countdown - 2 weeks to go

Well,
It's the 2nd week of the Puasa Month and 2nd last week till my internship ends.

Today I gave away the original drawing of my digitally painted artwork :


Gave it to Iylia, one of my colleagues from the Accenture team I was assigned to during the Internship period. Was a bit reluctant to part with it, but, no worries, at least i saved it in the computer at home. Also, the most important thing is that she's happy with the gift :)

Editing diagrams again today and awaiting some bit of news from my lecturer, whom said they he may come to visit.

There's also a new guy assigned to the team temporarily. His name is Ivan and will be with the team for about a month. He's pretty good looking and, like Javier and Adrian, he smokes unlike me, Iylia and Wayne.

I guess that's all for today

Thanks for dropping by,

Ja ne

Regards,
Sea Enigma / Skarai Clove / Enima

Obsession, Passion and Confusion

Like the title says,
I am having several mixed emotions on certain things.
What should or could I do after I've finished my studies or should I carry on studying before I decide to start working?
Do I pursue something which I have been wishing to do all my life or obey my parents and pursue the path they wish and hope I would do?

I admit, I have a slight obsession with performing, whether or not it is my best, as well as reading fantasy novels, graphic novels, comics, drawing/ painting as well as martial arts and swimming, despite being lower than average.

So many paths I could have taken and pursued, but always either pursuing half-way or letting the opportunity slide. Maybe not all, but alot.

Though I do also admit that I wouldn't be where I am, or meet the people I know now if I had not gone through this path. I wouldn't have even met my current boyfriend whom I have been dating for almost 9 months now.

For the things I like to do I've listed below:
- Singing
- Reading
- Writing
- Performing (wushu, dancing(though I'm not that good), acting(need practice)...etc..)
- Play video games (whether on portable consoles,PS2,Computer or online games etc...)
- Baking (cookies, brownies & cakes)
- Painting
- Playing sports (martial arts, swimming, scuba diving & badminton)
- Creating fanvideos or videos

There are many more, but these are the main ones.
Those could be either my interests or my passions or even both.

The confusion lies not only in what I should or could do for the rest of my life, but also with who I would spend my life with.

A little sappy, I know.
Well, I'm happy with my boyfriend though we've been seeing each other rarely since I started my internship and moved out of my apartment in Cyberjaya.But for some reason I'm a tad confused with how the relationship is going.

True he is my first BF and is at least 5 years my senior and my graduated senior in MMU, Cyber. But as much as I care for him, for some reason I feel a bit distant.
Unsure whether I don't spend enough time with him or it's because of my old habit of being very clingy to those familiar around me, or if my feelings towards him are true or not.

But, will wait another year and see where it takes us, despite our religious background differences between our families. He is a Buddhist and I am Muslim.


********** ************ ********

We first met during my foundation year at MMU in the Game Developers club (GDC) in 2004/2005. We weren't close at the time, just acquaintances and he had just graduated in August that year.

In my 2nd year, during the 1st Sem of the Trimester, I met him again after being introduced to the pen & paper RPG replica game of Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) by 2 of my friends whom were in the GDC club and Emina Japanese Animation club.

From there, the crush began as next to my other senior of same faculty, I was the only girl in the game and the group. It was there I started having crushes on my bf and 2 other guys, one within the D&D group (chinese) and the other a temporary wushu member studying at CUCMS in Street Mall, a malay boy.

Long story short, for the year I started playing with them, I somehow got attracted to them more and more. Though most of the time I was either too clingy or just plain blur.

Eventually, after my 21st Birthday party, I confessed my feelings. Shocked I was when he revealed that he was waiting for me to confess after the 2nd year playing D&D with the group.

It became official on the 1st of January after some 'discussion'.

The end. Really long winded and sappy or then again maybe not.

******** ******* ****** ******* ********* ********* **********

OKay alot has been revealed in this post.
Please forgive me if it is very long and alot of things being repeated.


Well,
I guess that's all I have to say for today.

Thank you for all those who have dropped by :) and willing to read my posts

Arigato Gozaimas, Terima Kasih,
Ja ne , See ya

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Internship Countdown to end

As the title says,
My internship down to its last few weeks, 3 weeks to be more exact.
Within these 3 week I need to :

- Finish Filling in the appropriate forms
- Re-shuffle my singing lessons
- Go to campus to apply for hostel
- Create a simple website for the presentation
- Organize stuff to be brought to campus for the next sem

There are alot of things that I'm looking forward to as well:

- Now is the month of Ramadhan and the Fasting month , can't wait to celebrate Hari Raya Aidilfitri with my family & friends
- Going back to campus for my last few months in Uni
- Going back to Wushu, Aikido and swimming :)
- Participating in clubs and societies
- etc...

Throughout these 3 and a half months, despite the boringness of researching, compiling and organizing data, designing and drawing diagrams I've enjoyed myself.

I admit that I was scared at first, but I seemed to have adapted to the working life and thought of it just like going to school.

Overall, this was a good internship and i hope my CyberP would be just as fun as my Internship with Accenture in Wisma Sime Darby.

That's all for now,

Before I end this post,
to all the Muslims that pass by this blog,
I'm wishing a Selamat Berbulan Puasa / A Happy Month of Ramadhan and
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri :)

Take care and
Ja ne ^_^


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One month left , more or less

Well, time sure does fly.

It's already the 10th week of my internship and I have to start preparing to go back to Cyberjaya.

One of these days before my internship ends, I need to either take a day off or something and go to Cyber to apply for hostel. Really want to stay in Cyber, though it's pretty far from civilisation and extremely pricy.

Also, I can't wait to see my lecturer when he comes for a visit within the next few weeks. Which reminds me... I really need to start on that website and make a good journal on my internship period.

So far... this is what I've done...:

- Researching and compiling data and documents on ITIL (IT Infrastructure Library)

- Learning more of Excel and Powerpoint

- Introduced to a new software called Microsoft Visio

- Meeting, dining and attending meetings with the bosses and big bosses.

- Compiling Meeting Notes / Meeting minutes

- Learning to operate and set up an external projector

- Learnt to multitask (not very well though)

- Attended an Accenture Intern Gathering which was pretty fun

- & ... got to know some really cool people like the vendors from BMC, my colleagues and ...the bosses

That's all i can remember so far.

Next to that... the singing lessons I've attended has really changed the way I see certain songs. But ... will talk more on that another day.

Thx for reading, for those who dropped by.



Ja ne