This isn't working, body is here mind is out in space

Well it's entering the 4th week of the semester at Curtin University and yet my mind still isn't in the right place. What is wrong with me ?

Too much in my mind till it refuses to think and that isn't good :( especially not now. I really need to find the motivation to do my work and not fail this last chance to study and make something of myself.

Sure it was good that my dad and sister visited me and asked me to sleep over with them at my cousin's house in Hillarys, but now I see it was a bad move. Made me lazier though it was good spending time with them.

Either way, somehow I need to crawl out of this gutter and find a way to gain inspiration and motivation to not fail this time around. It's the only way I can ever get any closer in achieving my dream.

That's all for now.

Sea Enigma

New Beginning in a New Environment,,,,

At last, though there had been conflict after conflict at home, I am now starting my new course in Communication and Cultural Studies (creative writing).It may be just for one year but it makes all the difference. I'm away from my home in Malaysia and am back in a dorm in Bentley, Australia.

True that I'm 'suffering' from the 1st time jitters, being away from my comfort zone in Kuala Lumpur and being in a whole new environment. It will pass nonetheless. I am glad to be out of the house, yet, there are so many whom I miss dearly. Made some new friends and yet I'm very lonely to the extent of tears.









It has only been 2 weeks since I set foot in my new life as a student at Curtin University, Bentley, Australia. Things are very new and almost 'alien' to my senses. There are so many things that I want to do and so little time. I wish to further my participation in Martial Arts, improve in my performance skills and gain the confidence I never though possible, get a part time job, do well in my course and above else build a future here to fulfill my dreams and ideals.


There's still alot to be done.
I should refrain my online activities such as going on IMVU and go out a bit more, overcome the overbearing heat and explore the new territory. Like my flatmate DaeYeon said, I should really get a job. End this current depression and cheer up, not cry in my room every alternate day. I dare say that he had given me so much advice since I got here, though Moogi, Makoto and James have been helpful too. Ended up sharing a flat with 5 guys and 2 girls.


























Classes have been good so far and pretty enjoyable. Still have a lot to understand and so much to catch up upon. Need to get back into the groove of getting up early, eating right and living with others with duties. I will be fine and strong.

Well that's all for now,

Thanks to all who dropped by.

Sea Enigma

Why can't I decide on what I want ????

I've been doing some thinking especially since we started practising for the Zahari family gathering and my cousin 'Abang Ariff's' wedding.

I like so many things and because of the indecisiveness and lack of planning (which I normally never do) my Dad thinks it's better that I stay in Malaysia another year. But thinking about it now, if I wait another year, I'll get even lazier and less motivated. I don't want that to happen. Just thinking about it makes me cry.

I really need to get out of this house and go to Australia next year, despite my parents' worries. I personally can't take this life here, living at home doing nothing , being under-motivated and less active. It's screwing me up. Mum's probably right, I need to get out into the World, no matter how harsh it is.


I really like these activities:
- Performing (Singing, Dancing, Martial Arts...etc..)
- Reading and Writing
- Sports (Swimming, Martial Arts, Scuba Diving, Badminton...etc..)
- Art (Drawing, Painting, Making fan AMVs (animated music videos))

But at the end of the day, I need to choose one, and the most versatile one as from experience, I'm not the type to just sit around at a desk doing work. It makes me sleepy. True though that performing and sports require a lot of physical work and is more tiring and more challenging, but I'd rather do that than be stuck in a desk.

I really want to perform as a performer, and it is also true that it's not gonna earn me much money. But it's my passion. Though I have to say, I am willing to take up 'Writing' as a job as I do like to write and take up Martial Arts and Scuba Dive courses to make ends meet. I'm willing to do anything to gain income, just not an office or sales job.


Though I've never told my parents sincerely, I really really really want to go abroad, but because of pressure, my mouth goes numb and end up not saying anything. If I ever do say anything, I get screamed at. I want to earn my own money, but it has to be of my choosing, regardless of everyone else's opinions.

Also, I can take care of myself, regardless on what my parents see in my room and how I act around the house. It's hard to show it to them, when you're being pressured every single day and when you're living under their roof. Their standards are too high for me to meet. But though I never show it, I know how to clean a place. Again the motivation and the determination has been suppressed. To gain it again may take months. That's how I work, regardless with all the lectures of 'YOU HAVE TO CHANGE AND GROW UP!!!!'.

I suppose I should start talking to Regina, Sook Yin, Sussanna, Mrs.Lourdes and probably Kian and Zie Aun more. I can't do this alone, I don't want to get scolded or screamed at by my parents.

Till then,
I have to work hard like Jeff Rizal(despite the fact my parents said the same thing) said, get fit, slim down, toughen up, get back into Martial Arts, practice and go for more Auditions, don't be picky and be professional. I also have advice from my cousins, Johan, Johanna and Illani on how to get fit. It will take a while but it's a must if I really want to got to Australia next year.

That's all for now and will post some pics up soon.

My Birthday pics taken by Dad (14th December 2010) with my cousins (Jasmine and Adriz), nephew (Danial) , nieces(Hanna, Suraya and Shakira), my sister (Lara) and her friend (Rachel) :





















Thanks for dropping by :)

Merry Christmas to all and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Sea Enigma

Why are my senses blurred out ?

It certainly has been some time since I've posted here. Too long in fact. My senses are certainly numb and blur, especially when I'm trying to fight for what I want. But now given the chance to take it, why does it somehow feel wrong? It's like it may not really be the thing I really want. That scares me to tears T_T

I honestly have no clue on how to react on what my parents want me to do. True that the entertainment business isn't really that big in Malaysia now and that the competition is high, but as terrified as I am, it's what I want to do. Either that, I'm just trying to live a fantasy which may not even come true (or will just not be something I would see through or it's something I won't expect) .

Now I'm finding myself wondering why exactly do I want to be a performer. Is it because it allows me to much more than I am (even if my face lacks expression, I tend to blur out and get stiff with nervousness)? I do admit I enjoy performing, and I need more practice than most people. Is it because I wish to be respected since I was always bullied back in school and was always ignored? What am I trying to prove ( to myself, my family and friends)? Is it to gain confidence, bring out another part of me or is it just to be loved?

I still admit, I am very sensitive, stubborn, emotional, work according to mood and often childish. Under pressure, or if I'm tired or feeling poorly, I become numb, unresponsive, express anger (shout), sadness (cry) and throw tantrums. It's true I'll be turning 24 soon, yet I still act as a child and often would not follow advice especially when it's against the way I think, I would end up blocking everything and I do mean 'EVERYTHING'. I still find it hard to accept a lot of things, too.

What makes things worse, now after 7 months working at Q-dees Taman Tun, under Kak Julia, now I'm losing my temper more often and I'm as tired as ever. I can't concentrate, I keep forgetting that they're just babies and should not be scolded so often. My patience is gone completely. Maybe being a teacher was really not for me. But if that's the case... what is?






In a way my dad is right, I've blocked all input and would not accept any job unless it's something I enjoy. But is there anything wrong with that? Hasty or irresponsible and childish as it is, that is my character. Whether it is a complete flaw, uniqueness or a changeable trait, I'm still unsure.

I like and dislike so many things till I have no clue which one to prioritise first. It's bad enough that my parents are debating with me on what I should do and my current options and what jobs and skills would pay the bills. Plus I need to re-do my IELTS exam as I didn't make the cut in the writing section. Now I'm thinking twice on whether or not I should further my studies overseas at all and regretting not taking up performing arts back when I was 16 and not wasting my time in Creative Multimedia (though it wasn't an entire waste).


Other than that, I need to loose weight as I don't exactly like the way I look, especially when I look at the photographs taken by my dad and others. I either feel that I look fat, unattractive, have no appropriate expression on my face and I just plain 'ugh'. Is this a sign that I don't love myself enough to look my best or I'm just not putting enough effort to look my best. Either that, it's still a confidence probably and lack of motivation, patience and inspiration.


If you've reached this far, it means that you've noticed that I'm still rambling the same old thing and not going anywhere, which is initially true. Plus all the photos I've put up are of my performing and the latest performance I was in, which was 'Buatan Malaysia 2' at the Actors Studio @ Lot10 shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur.

Hope to put up more photos later on.

But till then, this is all for now. Still alot to do before my last Parent Teacher Meeting this Saturday (27th November 2010) and my Level 2 Singing Exam.

Thanks for dropping by.

Sea-chan

Practice, Practice, Practice...!!! Gastric = owie T-T

Tomorrow is another big day for my cousin Azwann. It's his wedding reception and I'm sure he and the bride will be nervous. SO am I actually, being one of the wedding singers, next to my 2 other cousins Johanna and Jasmine, and my 2 adorable nieces Suraya and Shakira.

I really need to practice and study for my IELTS but I came down with a gastric problem and no it's not helping with my anxiety and my appetite. Looks like no dinner for me as I doubt I can take another bite especially with this very annoying pain in my tummy!!

Nonetheless, I really need to practice and I wanna put on a good show for the bride and groom and the rest of my family. Above all else I want to give it my all and develop my self-esteem.

Hopefully I can study too. I really need to get through the IELTS exam. May have to take a day off though.

Well, that's all for now.
Thanks for dropping by.

Sea Enigma

A surprising 40 laps and Study Study Study!!!!

Well today was just like any other.
I went to work at the Q-dees Kindergarden, arrived home at about 2pm and took a 3 hour nap. By the time I woke up, I was alone at home (well not completely alone as my sister Lara was in her room.

For a while I sat pondering on what I should do though I did have to study for my up-coming IELTS exam and prepare the song for Abang Azwann's wedding. Plus I have not really exercised in a while and not been in the pool for a couple of weeks due to flu. Neither have I been to the gym as my new mp3 player had been misplaced and deemed lost. After pondering I had decided to go for a swim.

As usual, I had the pool all to myself, though occasionally some of the neighbours would be there or the kids or at the gym. But I was fortunate as I swim better when alone. Generally in the pool I would just go for half an hour to an hour non-stop regardless on how many laps I had done. But today I decided to count my laps and though the most I had done previously were 20-25 or 30, today I decided to push it and ended with 40 laps.

Though surprised, I was actually glad and didn't feel the fatigue but I would most definitely feel it in the morning.

As for my IELTS exam. Preparation is still under-way and honestly as much as I want to, I have grown lazy and currently am sleepy. But will get there nonetheless as it is similar to my MUET exam when I was in MMU Cyber.

As the exam is next month on the 6th ... the only thing I could do is STUDY!STUDY!STUDY!... Plus I also have my singing exam on the 15th >_< so I also need to PRACTICE!PRACTICE!PRACTICE!

For my cousin's wedding I'll be singing:
'From Beginning to End' by Ryu (the main 'Winter Sonata' theme)

As for my singing exam, I'll be performing:
'My Immortal' by Evanescence
&
'The Boy Does Nothing' by Alesha Dixon

Well, that's all for today...
Thanks to all who drop by and Goodnight

Sea Enigma

What I did was wrong, I still believe that my dreams should not be cast away

It is true,
I may have been unfair to my parents, especially my dad who has been supporting all my wishes since I was small. Yet, why do I still feel 'HATE' towards my parents, especially my mother. Though she thinks I have no idea how harsh, difficult and unfair the performance and entertainment business is, but I do (having been rejected from 'Malaysian Idol' twice and facing better singers in the Young KL Singers and getting lower marks in the Singing Shop Vocal Exam compared to my sister).

I may not be as good as most of the local artists, or have the best voice like the local singers, but that is no reason to not let me try. Again of course I may be harsh and may not 'UNDERSTAND' my mother and her past, but I feel that I know enough and I disagree totally of her methods and of HER as a person.

It is also true that I will be 24 this December and should be working as well as living out of the house, yet circumstances deem otherwise at this moment. Yet I am a very sensitive person too and may not be as strong as others as they want me to be and I do understand that my parents want the best for me, despite our disagreement in which I feel is better.

Plus, though I only had Leukaemia, I have heard that those who have had cancer could not be stressed out too much as we could not take it and risk re-activating the cancer cells again. But that's only what I've heard and it technically out of the topic at hand.

I honestly have no idea what to do, especially with mum being so forceful and telling me that I have been 'bitching' about her and my dad to my aunties and whoever I have talked to. Well I can't help it, though she says I can but choose not to, but she doesn't care and says she loves me (which I can never seem to believe any more).

I do know that they are trying hard to support me and my brother and sister and have spent thousands on me for treatment and education. Yet why am I not satisfied? Is it because I always got what I wanted? Is it because I was never good enough in their eyes? What exactly am I capable of? What do they want of me? What am I afraid of till I can't tell them everything (though one answer to that is that they say all my methods are impractical and unrealistic- well can't help that as my logic is very different though to them I have none at all)?

To be honest I just want to SCREAM, CRY and someone to kill me now as I can't take all of this. It may not be as bad but my mind is blank and I can't tell right from wrong and have been rebelling more and more ever since after my time in Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar, which was a good 6 years ago.

I don't want to do this anymore, I want things to go back to the way it used to be when things were easier, though that may not be.

What exactly do I want out of life? To sing, act, dance, do martial arts, scuba dive and write? That I do, yet now, when I have a chance to take it, I feel like something isn't right or feels odd?

I really do wanna sing, dance, act, do martial arts and write, yet what is stopping me? Laziness? Hearing my mum's voice in my head saying I can't do it and I don't have what it takes? It won't make much money in the future and I can't survive? Then what SHOULD I do?

I would never take up an office job, no never. I can't stand sitting on my butt all day. What can I do?

So many questions in my head yet to be answered. I should probably get more sleep and just concentrate at my job at Q-dees kindergarden, studying for my up-coming IELTS exam and prepare for both Abang Azwann's wedding performance this Sunday and the YKLS (Young KL Singers) performance next month.

That's all for now,

Sea-chan

Selamat Hari Raya to all ^_^ (Eve of Raya)

(my 2 latest drawings *points up*)



Well... the Fasting month of Ramadan is coming to a close tomorrow (aka today as it's already 12am). I'd say finally as it has been very tiring and nerve-wrecking at best this year. There were definitely many factors involved and none were helping as every day I was so tired, so tired to the point of crying. Not to say though that none of my other family members weren't tired either.It's practically normal to be honest.

I'm honestly glad it's over, though of course God's many trials will still be there nonetheless.

This year, like all years, traditionally there will be an open house conducted at both my grandmothers' homes where all of us family members will get together. Though over the years, as we've all gotten older and some of my ever-doting cousins have families of their own, while some have moved on and live elsewhere, I daresay, for the passed 8 years, Raya seems lonely. But that is to be expected as you grow older, your family has grown and there are more in-laws to visit, too many to keep track of in so little time in the day.

Though one thing has changed this year. As I am working now, though the pay is menial in comparison to what my older cousins are earning, I would be giving 'Duit Raya' (money in green packets) this year. It won't be much but for once I'll be giving Raya packets to my many nieces and nephews as well as my younger cousins.

Other than that, things are a little strained between me and my new boyfriend. We've been together in this long distance relationship for nearly 6 months now and yet somehow I feel as if we don't really communicate much anymore. It was the same when I was with my ex, Kian, but maybe I'm just paranoid. For all I know it's nothing. Plus, he is 'Sephiroth' in the 'Final Fantasy Convergence Forum' ( ).

I really miss him though I practically see him online all the time. Yet, maybe it's because we've never met face to face nor have we ever done a web cam chat, I'm feeling a little neglected or just being selfish that I want him to be with me always. Though that's practically unfair of me, but in a way, it may mean that I am jealous that he's spending more time in his 'role' in the Role-playing sessions in the forum and that he's spending more time with everyone else than with me.

I shouldn't feel this way, especially since Raya is this Friday and I should be happy as I look forward to Raya every year. Plus I haven't even started baking yet >.< but am getting to it. I'm gonna see if I can break my record by baking more than 8 cakes, lots of brownies and chocolate chip + m&m cookies (which I haven't done since I was 16). There's so much I wanna do and so little time, but I can do it,I'm sure I can.

That should be all for now, my eyes are tired from all the crying done today and the fact that I am exhausted from my sister's party the day before. Below are some photos my dad took yesterday at the party :
















Anyway, with that done...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri kepada para Muslimin dan Musliman :D Maaf Zahir dan Batin !!!!!

Have a Great Raya this year everyone !!!!

A very hectic yet eventful month ...

Well... I have to say...
I really should spend some time a day posting in my blog.
Though I guess I never really had much to share these passed few months.

But here goes my train of thought again... more like the usual ranting.
As the title says, it has indeed been a pretty hectic month.

Reasons being...:

1. I finally graduated from Multimedia University, Cyberjaya, Malaysia on the 1st of August 2010.

2. My part time job at Q-dees pre-school has gotten more hectic...

3. Training wing chun is a great work out, but like all things, it's kinda taking its toll on my body (as my daily routine starts at minimum 5:30am in the morning)

4. Joining back my an old singing group called 'The Young KL Singers' as I've been aspiring to do for the passed 4 years.

5. Dance lessons for the kids at Q-dees have commenced as their concert will be coming up soon in October.

6. I had finally revealed who my online boyfriend was on Facebook

7. I had made a decision that I really want to pursue studies in acting and performing, despite many protests from my parents (especially my mother) Though I will need to save up alot (and I do mean alot)

8. Trying my best to draw, paint and write again ... though have not been successful

9. Most of all, I had a good reunion dinner with my many brothers and sisters of the MMU Wushu club, though i wished more attended.

Well... that's practically it for now and for those who are Muslim,
the month of Ramadan is here again and all are fasting and hopefully , even if it's just this time of the year, it would bring families even closer.

Though as much as this is a month to be thankful for, the Anniversary of my grandfather's passing grows near as well T_T . I know I shouldn't be but I still mourn and cry every time I think of the little things and the role he played in my life. I miss him greatly and though i was not as close to him as i was with my grandmother, I could still remember his voice if he were to sing the song 'Widuri'.

Gosh, as I'm typing this, tears are flowing like waterfalls *shakes it off*.

Pushing that aside, below are the latest photos of what had been happening for the passed 2 months :


















I guess that's all for now.
More pictures will come, once I get some sleep.

Wouldn't wanna be late for work, though i called in sick today.

Thank you to all who have been dropping by and to all the Muslims out there...

Happy Fasting, Selamat Berpuasa, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin.


Sea Enigma