Why are my senses blurred out ?






It certainly has been some time since I've posted here. Too long in fact. My senses are certainly numb and blur, especially when I'm trying to fight for what I want. But now given the chance to take it, why does it somehow feel wrong? It's like it may not really be the thing I really want. That scares me to tears T_T

I honestly have no clue on how to react on what my parents want me to do. True that the entertainment business isn't really that big in Malaysia now and that the competition is high, but as terrified as I am, it's what I want to do. Either that, I'm just trying to live a fantasy which may not even come true (or will just not be something I would see through or it's something I won't expect) .

Now I'm finding myself wondering why exactly do I want to be a performer. Is it because it allows me to much more than I am (even if my face lacks expression, I tend to blur out and get stiff with nervousness)? I do admit I enjoy performing, and I need more practice than most people. Is it because I wish to be respected since I was always bullied back in school and was always ignored? What am I trying to prove ( to myself, my family and friends)? Is it to gain confidence, bring out another part of me or is it just to be loved?

I still admit, I am very sensitive, stubborn, emotional, work according to mood and often childish. Under pressure, or if I'm tired or feeling poorly, I become numb, unresponsive, express anger (shout), sadness (cry) and throw tantrums. It's true I'll be turning 24 soon, yet I still act as a child and often would not follow advice especially when it's against the way I think, I would end up blocking everything and I do mean 'EVERYTHING'. I still find it hard to accept a lot of things, too.

What makes things worse, now after 7 months working at Q-dees Taman Tun, under Kak Julia, now I'm losing my temper more often and I'm as tired as ever. I can't concentrate, I keep forgetting that they're just babies and should not be scolded so often. My patience is gone completely. Maybe being a teacher was really not for me. But if that's the case... what is?






In a way my dad is right, I've blocked all input and would not accept any job unless it's something I enjoy. But is there anything wrong with that? Hasty or irresponsible and childish as it is, that is my character. Whether it is a complete flaw, uniqueness or a changeable trait, I'm still unsure.

I like and dislike so many things till I have no clue which one to prioritise first. It's bad enough that my parents are debating with me on what I should do and my current options and what jobs and skills would pay the bills. Plus I need to re-do my IELTS exam as I didn't make the cut in the writing section. Now I'm thinking twice on whether or not I should further my studies overseas at all and regretting not taking up performing arts back when I was 16 and not wasting my time in Creative Multimedia (though it wasn't an entire waste).


Other than that, I need to loose weight as I don't exactly like the way I look, especially when I look at the photographs taken by my dad and others. I either feel that I look fat, unattractive, have no appropriate expression on my face and I just plain 'ugh'. Is this a sign that I don't love myself enough to look my best or I'm just not putting enough effort to look my best. Either that, it's still a confidence probably and lack of motivation, patience and inspiration.


If you've reached this far, it means that you've noticed that I'm still rambling the same old thing and not going anywhere, which is initially true. Plus all the photos I've put up are of my performing and the latest performance I was in, which was 'Buatan Malaysia 2' at the Actors Studio @ Lot10 shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur.

Hope to put up more photos later on.

But till then, this is all for now. Still alot to do before my last Parent Teacher Meeting this Saturday (27th November 2010) and my Level 2 Singing Exam.

Thanks for dropping by.

Sea-chan









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