Did I make the right choice? Is what they say about him true? Which path do I choose?

To those who visit my blog...
though it is late...
HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

This is the first post for this year 2010....
To be honest, for a new year, my mood has still been reverted to its usual sad and confused self.

Again I ask the same questions...:

- What is my destiny?
- What is my purpose in this world?
- What are my capabilities and abilities?
- What do I fight for?
- Did I make the right choices?
- Do I really love him?
- Have I gotten over Kian?
- Am I really that worthless?
- How do I strive to improve?
- Is there hope for me in this new relationship with Jeihan?
- Is he really a hypocrite and two-faced as they tell me?
- Is he the right guy for me?

At the end of the day... I am still at loss at what I want, what to decide, how to do things and blur ... wondering if things are real or really what they seem.

I care for Jeihan and yet, am I really over Kian?
Plus... what do I really wanna do in life?
Do i wanna act, sing, do wushu, scuba dive, dance, do video editing or what?

Am I trying hard enough to envision and do things to reach my goal?

I don't think so as I still don't know where to start.

For instance with Jeihan...
He had all the qualities I looked for in a guy:
- Baby face
- Mature
- Strong physique
- Good personality
- Knows how to please and teach
- Good looks

and yet... he had certain minus qualities... such as:

- he smokes
- he drinks
- some of our music interests clash
- he has certain mood swings
- he's not a sports person
- he's younger than me by 3 years

Even so, I do care about him quite a lot.
Yet... 2 of my friends tell me to be wary of him, from their experiences.

Plus, there is a possibility that my feelings for him are a rebound of my feelings for Kian. I have yet to understand what my true feelings are towards him and maybe straighten things out both ways.

As far as jobs are concerned, I have a part-time job as a Video Editor with GenPro, though I'm still looking for more opportunities... which include working at Aquaria KLCCCC and maybe looking for auditions for various performance experiences.

On top of things... I am still heart broken by the fact that many believe I may not make it as a singer. Though it's also my fault for both not believing in myself and putting the effort to improve. If that is really what I want, I have to work towards it. Whether it be being a singer, actress, martial artist, singer or scuba diver, I need to put in effort, time, motivation, criticism and passion into it.

Yet my inner child wonders which path I should choose or should try. Even if it means trying other things like self advertising, video editing, videography and photography or anything unrelated to my goal.

I seem to cry buckets now and still the tears won't stop...
What do I do?
Whom do i call?

Either way,
it's late and it's time to sleep or my health will be in jeopardy of getting sick again.

Oyasumi, Wan An, Selamat Malam, Good Night...